Thursday, December 27, 2012

"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' " - Demetri Martin

Tonight is one of those "self pity, I'm a single mom nights!"  It started when the Kindle Fire that Grace got two days ago wouldn't charge. It's ending with I have to attend another event ALONE!! Although it's a time of holiday spirit and cheer, this is the time of year my self pity sets in. I TRULY can't stand that!! But most of the time I can't stop it.

So Grace's Kindle Fire wouldn't charge and the thoughts began.... I'm tired. I'm truly tired of being alone and having to make every decision. every time, fix everything that happens, and somehow keep everything together. I know so many people have issues that are WAY worse than mine, but I have to say this is EXHAUSTING! Then I responded to a reunion invite, where I will go, on my own, again. Just reminding me that I haven't found the right person yet (AND I'm OLD!!).

Not having anyone to help with decisions, lean on emotionally, financially (especially this time of year), or having that person just to come home to, that will tell you it will be ok. It's hard, but livable. I envy those who have found their soul mates and know what it's like to go home to your best friend every day.

And then I get mad at myself for having this pity party. In my head I'm yelling at myself, "GET OVER IT! How do you miss something you've NEVER had?! This is the life you've chosen. And you need to focus on Grace, your priority!" I haven't done too badly for myself. And God wouldn't want me to envy others, but in fact be happy with what I do have, even the opportunities and things I need to do alone.

And so,  try to focus on that. Focus on the great people I will see at this reunion, and the fact that somehow the Kindle Fire is charging again!! And that it's pretty cool that I'm a girl who can fix toilets, catch mice, and take care of a good kid on my own. Yes.... THAT is where I need to focus. All else will fall into place in time...when it's supposed to.

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